In my mind I am a native New Yorker. I have lived in New York City for 25 years. I pretty much went to college here and stayed because I love it. There was a brief sojourn to London for a couple of years but back to NYC I came. New York was still my home. I have lived longer here than anywhere else in my life. That said after what’s been a long and wonderful time where NYC has protected me, made me grow and challenged me I have made the decision to move. Move?!! you say? Yes. I am moving up to Connecticut where my my boyfriend and family live. I want to be closer to him and take the next step on our journey together.
Ok. Now what’s really going on. I realize that I at this moment in time I must walk the talk of who I am. I also want to be straight up about my feelings which are… scared, excited, terrified, exillerated and overwhelmed (hence the exhaustion that has set in). All that goes into moving a rich life from one state to another is A Lot! I have moved my life before but I haven’t closed everything (bank accounts, gym memberships, utilities) down and departed. Just finding a bank is rough enough alone because of the timing of electronic bills. I’m sad that I am leaving my beautiful garden apartment behind. The usual question I get is, “You’re sub-letting right?” No I am letting it go! Yes go. Also, I have been spending a ton of time with my boyfriend but when I am living close by what could happen then? (ah oh there’s that fear again!) When I look at the fear and anxiety that comes up I know that to shift out of it one must explore the feelings, fill in the lines so to speak so that we can shift out of it. Though while there, it isn’t always that comfortable. Meditation and the breath have been my closest companions. And boy have I been talking it out… to myself. If the neighbors could hear me they might be a bit concerned. I mean even keeping my mind straight versus it’s tangental thinking has been a chore in and of itself. I am the list maker…. Oh by the way does anyone want a free piano? They just need to be willing to move it out of a difficult space? No wait get back to the point!
But then I shift and think about the possibility in what I’m moving to, not away from. Love! What is better then that? The ultimate growth is in allowing yourself to be loved and to love in return. And if I can move away from the fear and closer to love then the lesson has been totally worth while. I know that sounds like a cliche but as the Dalai Lama says, “My religion is kindness” and the only thing better is love, as he would say. Or as Don Miguel Ruiz would say.“You don’t need to justify your love, you don’t need to explain your love, you just need to practice your love. Practice creates the master.” There truly isn’t anything else in this world that is important other then love. So I sit with my uncomfortableness and fear so that I may move closer to the love that I know I have. The greatest reminder is to be as gentle as I can with myself.
Speaking of gentle I must remember I will be close to the train so I can come back in tot the city whenever I want or need to. I’m not going far even though it may feel as such. And importantly all of my friends I will know will remain part of my life no matter where I live and I will be apart of theirs. This is the next step in my growth. We all have different phases in our lives where we can either allow the growth or stifle it. I believe growth is a bit like molding clay and we are the clay. We are being pushed and pulled and squished into something new but in the end we arrive at a piece of art. I for one am all for the molding of the clay so that we become a beautiful new sculpture.
Where do you allow for the the discomfort to let yourself grow? What kind of sculpture would you want to be? Me, I’d like to be the Venus de Milo… with arms that is.